John Edward’s Love Child

The recent escapades of John Edwards is another reason why people should be looking at electing a border collie to the highest office of this land.  Kipper the Border Collie does not have a “love child.”  In fact, I do not have any children.

When I was young, I went to my doctor’s office thinking I was going to get a rabies shot.  To my amazement, I left some of my equipment at the doctor’s office.  I went to sleep in his office and left the office a little sore.  Imagine my surprise the next day when I went to lick my privates and discovered things were missing.  My balls were missing..not my yellow tennis balls I play with, but those two balls located between my hind legs. 

When I asked my human pets about my missing equipment, they told me it was best for me.  I would not have to worry about being a father and life would be less stressful for me.  The other day in the bathroom, I noticed my male human pet still had his equipment.  That must explain why he has been so stressed lately.

Protest Tax Free Weekends

Last weekend was a tax-free holiday in our state, I protest this event for all the dogs out there.  First of all, I did not see one doggy item that was tax free.  They did not give me a tax break on treats, doggy toys or dog food.  This discriminates again all of us four-legged humans. 

Secondly, we are just like those two-legged rug rats that go to school and in most cases, we are better mannered.  We attend Doggy Camp and Obedience Classes and we should be able to have a tax break on doggie basics.  This is unfair and I wish one of our presidential candidates would look at this issue. 

Kipper the Border Collie

Temperatures are Soaring

With the heat index well above 100, this border collie is wishing he was a hairless chihuahua.  Forget chasing any stupid ball in this temperature, I am more interested in exercising in the basement where it is cool.  Enjoying the benefits of air conditioning, I can’t imagine any border collie wanting to be outside in this heat watching a flock of stinky sheep or a herd of flatulating cattle. 

Still waiting for one of the presidential candidates to call and ask me for my papers as I guess being a vice president is just about as good as being the president.  In fact, I am beginning to feel that I might be better suited for the vp position.  A vice-president doesn’t have to work too hard and I don’t think the job with interfere with watching Judge Judy in the afternoon.  The job could have some great benefits, can you imagine how many plates I would clean up after a state dinner?  If they serve steak for the state dinners, I would be in “doggie heaven.”  Better yet, liver is my favorite.  Does the President ever serve liver at state dinners? 

I am going to dream of liver tonight.  Sweet dreams of liver, more liver and more liver.

Stimulus Check

Just received my stimulus check and I am trying to figure out how to spend the dough.  Maybe a few new toys and plenty of liver treats for my pantry will prepare me for those cold winter days when I hardly venture past the door except to conduct my business.  I wonder how my other dog friends are spending their check.  I will probably make a small donation to the Red Cross as those folks have been plenty busy the last few months.  One of my servants is a volunteer for the Red Cross and spent too much time (in my eyes) in Iowa helping with the floods.

Bubba Clinton Called

Just received a disturbing telephone call from Bubba Clinton.  Bubba told me I wasn’t qualified to run for president because a presidential candidate has to be 35 years of age.  I tried to set Bubba straight and told him in dog years I am 35 years of age.  I think it is just a last ditch effort by Bubba to intimidate the competition.  I asked, “Bubba, how old is your dog?”

He replied, “She’s 60 (In dog years that is a lot of years).  She also has to get up in the middle night and do a potty break and her teeth are beginning to wear down.”

Now, Bubba that is more than I really need to know.   With loyal supporters like Bubba, you can understand why Hillary is in trouble. 

Superdelegates!

For all those superdelegates who are having trouble deciding whether to support Obama or Hillary remember Kipper is running for President.  Voting for me has some advantages as I don’t a husband called Bubba campaigning for me and I don’t have a preacher named Wright.  I have no ties to Big Oil companies and little concern for global warming.  So superdelegates, just write down the name K-I-P-P-E-R  on your ballots and I won’t disappoint you as President.

 

Memorial Day

On this day, we owe thanks to the veterans who have fought to keep this country free.   Calling all dogs to find a veteran today, lick their hand and shower them with your appreciation.  If it weren’t for them, we might be living in a country where dog is on the menu.  Thanks, Obama for helping me with this post.

High Gas Prices

As an intelligent border collie, I have the perfect solution for the high gas prices.  This is going to be a part of my political campaign platform.  All families should do away with vacations and spend their time at home petting their dog.  They will save move on fuel, airline tickets, hotels and especially those kennel bills.  They are called “Doggie Camps” and “Canine Vacations,” but let me tell you the truth.  Any border collie would rather be home with family than forced to socialize with mutts of questionable heritage.  Think of all the money families would save if they took a Staycation and spent their days walking the dog at the local parts.  Sit down and make a list of all the fantastic things you could do on a Staycation:  walk the dog, picnic with the dog, trip to the pet store with the dog, playing catch with the dog. 

Show the greedy oil companies, stay at home this summer and pet your dog.

Obama or Hillary?

Stayed up late last night waiting for the election results.  Time which I could have used to further my beauty sleep.  Food and sleep the two greatest concerns for any dog.  Did all my fellow dogs in Indiana and North Carolina register as Democrats and join in Operation Chaos?  I had heard the poodles were defecting and planning on voting for Obama.  For all my four-legged brothers, we need to tune in to Rush Limbaugh and join in Operation Chaos.  Listen to Rush, he is the “big dog.”

To Run or Not to Run

I am considering my options before throwing my dog collar in to the ring.  Yes, I would like to be president.  Do I think I could do the job?  You bet.  Remember border collies are working dogs.  I have been consulting with Fred Thompson and getting some advise about delaying my formal commitment to run for office.  Fred is a good man…I might even consider him a worthy candidate for my vice-president.  I am on my way to UPCO the nearby pet store this weekend to pick up a new collar and I need your advise on color.  Do you think blue or red is more presidential? 

Oh! It is time for “Judge Judy,” my favorite TV show.  If I am elected President, I am planning on appointing Judge Judy to the Supreme Court.  She could hold her own with that bunch of old fuddy duddies.  She makes more sense than any lawyer I have ever bitten  (ophs, I meant met).  If you ever bite a lawyer, be sure your shots are up to date…..you can get a nasty infection from them. 

Kipper the Bored Border Collie