Sparky the Fire Dog is a Fake

Sparky the Fire Dog was loitering around the hardware store this weekend as a part of the October Fire Prevention theme.  Being part investigative reporter, I decided to check out Sparky.  Sparky the Fire Dog is a fake and the American Red Cross is perpetuating this charade on children and adults alike.

First, for several hours, Sparky walked in front of the store within ten feet of a fire hydrant.  Not once during the afternoon did Sparky hike his leg and washdown the fire hydrant.  This is proof number one that Sparky is a fake. 

Secondly, I walked up to Sparky and took a long sniff like all good dogs do when in doubt.  I have never smelled any dog that wears White Diamonds perfume.   Sparky reeked of estrogen and smelled a lot like one of the ladies at the local Red Cross office.  This is proof number two that Sparky is a fake.

Forget Sparky, but please remember to change the batteries in your smoke alarm.  Be careful when using candles and space heaters.  Stop fires and save lives.

Kipper Comments on Obamacare

With all this fuss about Obama’s healthcare plan and the boisterous town hall meetings, I would like to give you two concrete examples of healthcare plans:

1. One patient waits three weeks to get an appointment with Doctor A concerning possible surgery who then refers him to a surgeon Doctor B. The patient waits four weeks to get an appointment with Doctor B who then refers him to a lab for some tests. The lab schedules the test in 10 days and takes five days to send the test results to Doctor B. After another appointment with Doctor B, surgery is scheduled with the hospital which requires another three week wait and a trip to the hospital ahead of time for some additional tests. Finally, surgery is scheduled approximately 3 ½ months after the initial call to Doctor A.

2. Another patient goes to the Doctor C concerning possible surgery after a three day wait for an appointment. The doctor does a couple of tests and schedules surgery in three days. Surgery is completed in less than a week after the initial contact.

In the case of the first patient, he has Medicare, a governmental healthcare program.

In the latter case, the patient is a dog, has a vet and no governmental healthcare.

Now, tell me who has the best access to healthcare?

Tea Party

How many of you other dogs got to attend a Tea Party? My human pets took me to the Tea Party held this spring in a nearby city. There were about 5000 human pets and very few dogs. Besides having no doggy butts to sniff, there was no food and just a bunch of speeches. Can’t understand why they call these things Tea Parties! I didn’t see any tea being served and furthermore, I don’t like tea. Drinking tea is for wimps something a petite lapdog would enjoy.

Border collies are more manly dogs. If we want a little different beverage than the water in our bowls, we will gladly take a lap from the toilet. Boy, does that make the human pets mad. There is nothing wrong with toilet water as long as it doesn’t have that blue stuff in the bowl. I propose there should be a law against putting “blue stuff” in the toilet.

Human pets enjoy your Tea Parties. I will take a nip from a clean toilet any day over Oolong or Earl Grey.

Licking My Wounds

For the past several months, I have been suffering from postpartum election depression. I could not believe most Americans preferred Obama to a purebred Border Collie. Alas! I have been home licking my Election Day wounds and other parts of my anatomy too. I have been studying the errors of my 2008 campaign and vow to do better in 2012.

Watching Obama use taxpayer dollars to invest in the auto industry made me cringe. As a Border Collie, I could care less about the auto industry. Even though, I like to take a car ride as much as everyone else, few Americans realize that cars are the number one killers of dogs and cats. Who cares about fuel efficiency, global warming and emission standards! Until GM and Chrysler can come up with a better design to prevent the needless slaughter of hundreds of innocent animals daily, I would not invest a single taxpayer dollar in such a rotten and immoral industry. UAW, you had better be glad Kipper didn’t win the election or you would be couch sitting for a long time licking your wounds or other parts of your anatomy.

John Edward’s Love Child

The recent escapades of John Edwards is another reason why people should be looking at electing a border collie to the highest office of this land.  Kipper the Border Collie does not have a “love child.”  In fact, I do not have any children.

When I was young, I went to my doctor’s office thinking I was going to get a rabies shot.  To my amazement, I left some of my equipment at the doctor’s office.  I went to sleep in his office and left the office a little sore.  Imagine my surprise the next day when I went to lick my privates and discovered things were missing.  My balls were missing..not my yellow tennis balls I play with, but those two balls located between my hind legs. 

When I asked my human pets about my missing equipment, they told me it was best for me.  I would not have to worry about being a father and life would be less stressful for me.  The other day in the bathroom, I noticed my male human pet still had his equipment.  That must explain why he has been so stressed lately.

Protest Tax Free Weekends

Last weekend was a tax-free holiday in our state, I protest this event for all the dogs out there.  First of all, I did not see one doggy item that was tax free.  They did not give me a tax break on treats, doggy toys or dog food.  This discriminates again all of us four-legged humans. 

Secondly, we are just like those two-legged rug rats that go to school and in most cases, we are better mannered.  We attend Doggy Camp and Obedience Classes and we should be able to have a tax break on doggie basics.  This is unfair and I wish one of our presidential candidates would look at this issue. 

Kipper the Border Collie

Temperatures are Soaring

With the heat index well above 100, this border collie is wishing he was a hairless chihuahua.  Forget chasing any stupid ball in this temperature, I am more interested in exercising in the basement where it is cool.  Enjoying the benefits of air conditioning, I can’t imagine any border collie wanting to be outside in this heat watching a flock of stinky sheep or a herd of flatulating cattle. 

Still waiting for one of the presidential candidates to call and ask me for my papers as I guess being a vice president is just about as good as being the president.  In fact, I am beginning to feel that I might be better suited for the vp position.  A vice-president doesn’t have to work too hard and I don’t think the job with interfere with watching Judge Judy in the afternoon.  The job could have some great benefits, can you imagine how many plates I would clean up after a state dinner?  If they serve steak for the state dinners, I would be in “doggie heaven.”  Better yet, liver is my favorite.  Does the President ever serve liver at state dinners? 

I am going to dream of liver tonight… sweet dreams of liver, more liver and more liver.

Stimulus Check

Just received my stimulus check and I am trying to figure out how to spend the dough.  Maybe a few new toys and plenty of liver treats for my pantry will prepare me for those cold winter days when I hardly venture past the door except to conduct my business.  I wonder how my other dog friends are spending their check.  I will probably make a small donation to the Red Cross as those folks have been plenty busy the last few months.  One of my servants is a volunteer for the Red Cross and spent too much time (in my eyes) in Iowa helping with the floods.

Bubba Clinton Called

Just received a disturbing telephone call from Bubba Clinton.  Bubba told me I wasn’t qualified to run for president because a presidential candidate has to be 35 years of age.  I tried to set Bubba straight and told him in dog years I am 35 years of age.  I think it is just a last ditch effort by Bubba to intimidate the competition.  I asked, “Bubba, how old is your dog?”

He replied, “She’s 60 (In dog years that is a lot of years).  She also has to get up in the middle night and do a potty break and her teeth are beginning to wear down.”

Now, Bubba that is more than I really need to know.   With loyal supporters like Bubba, you can understand why Hillary is in trouble. 

Superdelegates!

For all those superdelegates who are having trouble deciding whether to support Obama or Hillary remember Kipper is running for President.  Voting for me has some advantages as I don’t a husband called Bubba campaigning for me and I don’t have a preacher named Wright.  I have no ties to Big Oil companies and little concern for global warming.  So superdelegates, just write down the name K-I-P-P-E-R  on your ballots and I won’t disappoint you as President.